Surviving Your Family (Part 2)

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We started a series last week called Surviving Your Family. And we looked at favoritism in the home, real and perceived, and what that does to fuel jealousy and hatred among siblings.

And today we're in part two, and we're sitting on a powder keg. If I'm being real honest with you, you're gonna see the sibling rivalry take off. And I don't know about you, I have an older brother, and we fought plenty as kids. And maybe you heard this more than once in your home from a parent. I'm gonna pick on moms a little bit because I think they have cornered the market on a lot of these sayings.

Don't make me come in there. You know, the temperaments of your kids, you know, when they could work things out. But then when it was hitting a point that you needed to step in, you could tell the difference between a scream that was a cry for attention and a scream where someone's truly gonna get hurt. I better step in. Then when you stepped in, do I need to separate you two?

If I have to come back in here, you're both in trouble. I don't care who started it. I'm ending it. So then mom would step in and start the reconciliation process. Say you're sorry to each other.

Pause, and then say you're sorry, and this time, mean it. Now I want you two to hug and make up. And when that didn't work, mom would get emotional. Half the time it was fake, but she'd start crying. You're family.

You're supposed to love each other. If that didn't work, she brought up her death. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? One day I'm gonna be gone, and all you'll have is each other. You know, you're gonna be best friends.

And we're like, mom, this isn't working. We hate each other right now. Nice try. My buddy Johnny W. Is a comedian in Nashville, and he's got a whole bit where he and his brother, he said, we were fighters. We were fighting all the time.

And he goes, I remember one Christmas asking my mom, hey, what do you want for Christmas? And his mom said, I just want you two to get along.

Johnny said, not gonna happen. We're getting you a sweater. That's really what you can look forward to. And I don't know who came up with this. The mom that came up with this.

But this is the best thing in parenting I've seen in a long time. There's a lot of. Anybody here at our church use a get along shirt? Can I just see you have had one? Anybody else?

All right. Do they work? Do they really work? Yeah. How long were these children tied up in one of these things?

All day. Yeah, that's a hardcore 80s mom right there.

Can't you two just get along? And so last week we looked at Jacob Laban, Joseph's family of origin, and how deceitful and how it fueled this favoritism and jealousy and hatred. And it's escalating in the story where we pick up today. And so we read in Genesis 37 that Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, made him a coat of many colors. And here's what we read.

How it fueled the brothers jealousy and hatred. They hated him and they could not speak a kind word to him. Then Joseph shares a dream with his brothers that says, you know, one day I'll be in charge and I'll be over you. I'll be ruling over you. And the Bible says because of these dreams, they hated him all the more.

He says, oh, but wait, I got another dream. He shares a second dream with them. And you get to further down into the story. And we're gonna pick up from here. His brothers were jealous of him.

They hated him. And over 24 years here at Woodland Hills Family Church, we've dealt with a lot of families. And yeah, we can talk about the sibling rivalry when kids are young, but working with a lot of families in our church and in our community, where there's jealousy, there's hatred, there's anger, and a lot of times they need help. Someone needs to step in and help. I just wrote down a few of them.

I wish I'd give them all to you, but I'm gonna share that. There's still, even in the adult years, there's perceived or real favoritism among siblings. I've been brought into this meeting of aging parents and one adult child mad at a sibling for not doing enough, for not stepping up, for not taking care of mom and dad. I've met with the families where the funeral needs to be paid for, and the one sibling, you know, pays the bill, but then calls all the other siblings to pay their part. Call me mad, like, what kind of kid doesn't help pay for their parents funeral?

The anger just fuels. I've been there after the family's been to the will or trust reading I've been there with the trustee or the executor who's like, this isn't gonna go well. Once I. And I had no idea my dad said this, or my mom did this or these were the. I cannot believe it.

I didn't spend enough time looking at this. And families begin to fight over this. Family businesses, who should take it over, who should be in charge. Is it my brother? And now I gotta work for my brother.

He's a knucklehead. He knows nothing. Mom and dad then decide to sell the business and not give it to their children. And that creates the family tension. Then hoo hoo.

The rewriting of family history. You talk to an adult child who starts talking about the home that they grew up in. And another sibling's like, that isn't how it happened at all. You're making stuff up. You're like trying to justify something that's not the home that we grew up in.

And then enter brother in law and. And sister in law. Can you believe they didn't even ask permission from you to marry this person? They bring this person into the family and it changes everything about the family dynamics. And so now you've got new personalities to learn about.

I've gotten this one. I don't feel like my sibling participates enough in the family. I show up early, I bring stuff to the family gatherings. I stay late to clean. He shows up to eat and he's gone.

And these little moments that never get discussed, they're never addressed. They turn into a powder cake moment. Others just don't like the choices that their siblings make, the lifestyle that they've chosen. I just wanna say right here, this list, and this is only 8. And it could be much longer.

Today as we talk about reconciling with a sibling and how to do that and mom and dad's role in that. I understand that there are some of you who have a toxic sibling or a sibling that's dealing with addiction. And we're gonna look toward the end of this at the limits to what we're talking about, but that your heart would be open to what the Lord wants to do in your family and in your life. Because we're gonna see a horrific, outrageous story of how Joseph was treated. And remember what we see in his story.

That's gonna be for the next two months. In our church. We see God is with him. We see him placed in a position of responsibility where he can get even with his brothers and for the way they treated him. But he chooses not to.

He's A man of integrity. He's a man of forgiveness, and he pursues reconciliation. So where we pick up this week, Jacob sends Joseph to check on his brothers who were grazing their flocks in Shechem. And if you remember from Shechem, this is where Dinah, Jacob's daughter from Leah, was raped in shechem. In Genesis 34, it's where they deceive the men of Shechem.

They wipe the men of Shechem out. They take away the women and the children. The sons of Jacob do this. And so they're. Now they're grazing.

And we talked last week that Jacob is passive in the home. He is playing favorites. He's passive. He's aware of what's going on because he took things to mind. But now you have to question, how aware is he?

He can't be fully aware of the powder keg because he would never send Joseph into a harmful situation where he thought the brothers were going to kill him. But he sends him to Shechem to check on him. By the time that Joseph gets there, he's told that the brothers have moved on to Dothan. So he went up to see them, and that's where we're gonna pick up today. Genesis 37:18.

But they brothers, when they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him. This jealousy and hatred reached the point of a murder plot. Now, I've been over the last couple of weeks studying this. People I've met with for coffee, lunch, driving last night with friends in the car. I ask, and I know it's kind of a shocking question to ask and doesn't give people time, really, to process it.

But I just ask, hey, have you ever wanted to kill a sibling? And most people respond with, okay, well, what in the world? No, like, almost like outraged that I even asked the question. I said, well, the only reason I asked the question is because I have Netflix and I've watched the documentaries, right? I know this stuff happens.

Some people I've asked that question to paused when I asked the question.

And so there was a moment, again, we're gonna see it today. It's like, well, they really hurt me, Ted. They cause a lot of pain in my life. I don't want to be the one to inflict pain on them, but I hope they feel it at some point. But then a third response I got from people was hatred to the point of murder.

I've never thought that toward a sibling. And then you dig deeper and you realize they're talking about an Ex wife, an ex husband. And here are the three. Three responses. And none of them are great.

One is good, it's better, but weak. But here are the three responses. We're gonna see to this. The first one we read clearly and we're gonna see played out. Kill him.

Like wipe him out. We're done with this brother. Our little brother, 17 year old Joseph, okay? Reuben steps in. He's the older brother we're gonna read.

He's the firstborn. He steps in and his heart is, we need to restore him to the father. And so it's a good response. He calls off the murder. He saves Joseph's life, but it's weak because he doesn't confront the brothers to the point he should.

Then what ultimately happens is this third one and you're like, you really spoil this. But let's just read it. So you don't. But this is what happens. They sell him.

It's like, you know, we don't want him dead, we just want him to go away. And that's where we pick up in this story, verse 19, they say, and remember that he shared the dreams with them earlier in this text, in verse 19, here comes that dreamer. They said to each other, come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes out comes of his dreams. Then let's see if this happens where we're really needing his help or he's ruling over us.

It goes on to say, when Reuben, the firstborn, heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. Let's not take his life, he said. And he does forth the murder plot. Don't shed any blood, throw him into this cistern here in the wilderness, but don't lay a hand on him. And then we get his motivation and his heart again saves his life, but it's weak cause he's not standing up as the older brother to all the other siblings.

Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father. So the heart was to restore him to his father. And I just want to encourage you because when we read kill him, kill him, restore him, sell him, we have to be careful in 2026, Branson, Missouri when we read stories like this. And last week we looked at the difference between a descriptive and a prescriptive passage. We can read this story and go, this is so outrageous.

How in the world does this apply to my life or to my family? We believe that the Bible is Living and active. Which means when we read these stories, they're here to instruct us, to warn us, to guide us. And we can learn lessons and apply them to our lives. And there's plenty of lessons throughout this outrageous story.

You've never thought once about killing a sibling, but there's still something here for you to apply. And Reuben, you read him saving Joseph's life and go, that's good. Let's throw him in a cistern instead. I'll come back and get him later. And we read this.

And the challenge for me and what I take from this is be the leader. Right? It's time to be the voice in your family. And guess what? You don't have to be the firstborn.

You can be the last born. You can be the middle child. We don't talk about you enough. The middle child. You can be the one that steps up to your siblings.

And like. Like Reuben could have said, hey, knuckleheads, we're not touching him. And actually, I'm gonna take him right now, escort him back to dad. He's our baby brother. Don't do this.

But he just. This whole family that's full of deceit, right? And the passivity and the favoritism in this family, it's like no one's stepping up to be the leader. You don't have to be the firstborn to lead. You don't have to be the middle child or the lastborn to lead.

You can lead at any point in your family. You can protect the one that's not in the room. You can defend the one that's not present. You can shut the gossip down at the family gathering. Verse 23.

So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe, the ornate robe he was wearing that his dad gave him. And they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty. There was no water in it. And then just kind of look at the callousness of the attitudes.

Verse 25. As they sat down to eat their meal, They've just abused their brother. They want their brother dead. They looked up and they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh.

And they were on their way to take them down to Egypt. Now Judah steps in. Same thing. He's gonna defend him as part of the family. But horrific response.

Judah said to his brothers, what will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? Come, let's sell him to the Ishmaelites. And not lay our hands on him. After all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood. And the Bible says his brothers agreed.

I wonder if you've ever had this attitude like, I know my brother, I know my sister. They're family. I don't want them hurt. I don't want them to suffer. I don't want them to be in pain.

I just want them to go away. I'm tired of dealing with them. I'm tired of the chaos they bring to every family gathering. I'm tired of the drama. I don't wish anything bad on them.

I just don't wanna speak to them again and I don't wanna deal with it. So the question we have to ask ourselves is, how far have you allowed your jealousy and hatred to escalate? What is stirring in you now? Remember what Jesus taught in Matthew. This is very important.

Before you pat yourself on the back for never murdering someone, know where that came from. It came from the heart. Deal with that hatred that you have toward a brother, toward a sister, that's in the heart. Jesus said the same thing about lust. We'll look at that next week as we continue in Joseph's story.

You know, before you pat yourself on the back for never having an affair, deal with the lust that's in your heart. You have to address the jealousy and the hatred before ridiculous schemes and deception take place like this. Because watch where the deception takes off in verse 28. So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern, sold him for 20 shekels of silver to the Ishmaelites who took him to Egypt. When Reuben returned to the cistern and saw that Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes.

He went back to his brothers and said, basically, where is he? Like Reuben had a plan in his heart and in his mind that wasn't expressed and it got away from him. The boy isn't there. Where can I turn now? Then the deception begins.

And remember, they learned this from their family of origin. Instead of living in the light and being men of integrity, they move into getting Joseph's robe. They slaughtered a goat, dipped the robe in blood. They took the ornate robe, the coat of many colors, back to their father and said, we found this. Examine it to see whether it is your son's robe.

He recognized it and said, it is my son's robe. Some ferocious animal has devoured him. Joseph has surely been torn to pieces. And now the COVID up begins. And boy, if there's one thing you do in coaching or counseling couples and families is you see the lies upon lies, the COVID up upon cover up, the let's not talk about it.

If we keep it back there, if we keep it in the dark, it's just gonna make everything better. So my question for you today. What coverup is there in your family? What have you been lying about that you need to bring to the light and to confess to a sibling or to a parent? I've asked people this question, and I get this answer more often than not is, how far do we need to go back?

We talking about junior high and high school? I thought all those years were forgiven. Ted, have you done something you regret? You covered up and you need to confess? Is there a lie in your family right now that is causing a member of your family anguish or sorrow, and it's not being dealt with and brought to the light?

Watch the sorrow that comes out of this deception. Verse 34. Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth, and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him. But he refused to be comforted.

No, he. He said, I will continue to mourn until I join my son in the grave. So his father wept for him. I'm reading the book on Joseph by Chuck Swindoll. And then this one line jumped out at me as a father.

But here's what he says about all of this as he sums up Genesis 37. He says, what tragic consequences. Jacob, an aging father, had sowed the wind and was now reaping the whirlwind.

And that's our desire as a church. We're talking about surviving your family. Joseph is literally surviving his family here. There's gonna be a famine. We're gonna get into survival.

All throughout his story. And here's what you're gonna see in Joseph's story in the weeks ahead. The Lord was with him, whether he was in the palace or in prison. The Lord was with him. The Lord blessed him.

He was a man of integrity. We're gonna see a man of forgiveness, of reconciliation. And when you read this story, just Genesis 37, your heart immediately goes to you don't ever have to see these brothers again. Move on with your life. They treated you horribly.

They abused you. Don't ever speak to them again, let alone help them out when they could potentially die of starvation, as we'll see in the weeks ahead. Verse 36. Final verse from this passage for the day. Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh's Officials, the captain of the guard.

And next week, we're gonna pick up with Joseph being tempted by Potiphar's wife and falsely accused. And he does the one thing to deal with sexual immorality. He flees. That's what the Bible calls us to do when tempted with sexual immorality, Flee. Get away from it.

The goal is not to see how close I can get to it without sinning, but to the goal is to get as far away from it as fast as I possibly can. Joseph's gonna be a demonstration of that for us next week. He's falsely accused. And you think about it. How many people do you know?

How many siblings do you know that will blame their family of origin, blame the abuse that they received or the verbal attacks they received, and they live in sin. They make poor choices. They live a devastated life. And they're always pointing back to their family saying, hey, I have good reason for this addiction. I have good reason for this behavior or for this lifestyle.

And we're gonna see Joseph, a man of integrity, says, no, I'm gonna do the right thing because the Lord is with me. And, you know, we live in a culture right now, and I don't mind saying it. We just saw play out this week, a mom murdering her two children. And I'm talking to people who are wrestling with what should happen. We live in a culture that says, you don't blame me.

Blame somebody else. The doctors who gave me this medicine, the responsibility that was laid upon me. We're in a culture that says, blame, blame, blame, blame. But we're gonna see a man who takes responsibility for his life before the Lord. So over the next several weeks, we're gonna see God's sovereign plan play out in.

In Joseph's life. Man of integrity. He didn't compromise after all that he had been through. He did not compromise when faced with adversity because the Lord was with him. So what I'm gonna do in just the last few moments is draw some application here to encourage you.

And I don't know, you know, last week, it felt like I was talking to parents more. Now it's gonna feel like I'm talking to adult children more, but we're gonna come back and talk to mom and dad as well. But number one, as we see clearly, probably the main lesson from this passage is deal with jealousy and hatred quickly, before it escalates. Call it out, address it, and deal with it. Number two, be a leader among your siblings.

Be one that calls it out. Be the one that shuts down the gossip, the naysaying, the conflict as it's starting. Be the one that says, I'm gonna be the peacemaker here. Now, here's where it gets tricky. Pursue reconciliation knowing you can't control the outcome.

In other words, you can't control the other person. And this is where I wanna be real clear. In Romans 12:18, it says, if it is possible. Everything we're talking about today is not always possible. Some of you have a toxic sibling, an abusive sibling, and you have tried to reconcile.

You, you have tried to restore and this church. We have done plenty of messages. We've done an entire series on when to walk away from toxic people, when it's not possible, when they have evil intent in their heart. And there is going to be no reconciliation. That's why Paul says, as far as it depends on you, with all of this, you have to take responsibility.

You have to be the one that does your part. And then being able to walk away going, I tried. But here's a lesson that we get from Genesis 37, because I think sometimes we do good, we do better, the relationship gets better, and we're like, you know, it's not full reconciliation. Our family doesn't feel fully restored, but it's better than it was. I just wanna encourage some of you, don't settle just for better or it's gotten a little bit better.

Like, continue to pursue reconciliation with that sibling, knowing this is the hard part. It's not always possible. Live at peace with everyone. So if you do pursue reconciliation and make the phone call, send the text this week, don't allow a sibling's words and actions to determine yours. Meaning you have your game face on.

You're ready for the conversation, and they start spewing and the toxicity flows out of them, and it pushes buttons in you and off you go. Don't allow what they say or do, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, to determine your next right step to live at peace with everyone. But now I wanna talk to parents. This is where I'm at as a parent. I've got influence, no control.

And I wanna figure out, how do I manage this influence. As a dad, I wanna encourage you. If you're sitting on a powder keg as a family and you know your adult children aren't getting along, call a family meeting. Call a family meeting. When things are out of control and about to explode, you're like, we'll do it on vacation.

I'd encourage you to do it at home and call a family meeting. And then this is the key. Mom and dad, be the parent, okay? Not the family complaint department. Be the parent.

Let your kids know I'm not the one you call when you wanna vent about your brother or sister. I'm not gonna take it like you're adults now. You have your own relationship. I'm not here to manage your relationship. And so in this family meeting, here's another thing you do.

Pray as a family and invite your children to pray for one another. You know this. In marriage, it is very difficult for Amy and I to go to bed mad at each other after we just prayed for and with one another. We did this when our kids were small. We all took turns praying as a family.

So the next time you gather as a family, take a few moments before the meal. Don't just pray a blessing over the food, but invite someone else in the family to pray. Take turns praying, pray for one another, building one another up, encouraging one another. When it comes to competitive children, mom, dad, you make a better coach than a referee. You can encourage them, you can influence, and we say it around here all the time, the fastest way to squander influence is to be controlling.

Don't be the family complaint department. Be the parent of influence when it comes to competitive children. And I raise two competitive children because Amy and I are very competitive. I thought for years that there's not a worse activity for our family. I don't think it's healthy for our family to play board games.

I just, I don't think, I don't know why we do it. There's no joy at the end of it. We're not closer as a family at the end of it. And then we have a son in law now who comes from another family of origin. Big board game.

People and their family read the rule book of every board game. They know the rules. And our family, I'll read a page or two, but I ain't reading like eight pages of how to play this. How many of you know what I mean when I say family rules? You just kind of got this game going on your own.

And so we play catan as a family. And I have a real laid back son in law, but the smoke that comes out of his ears when we start doing things and we're like, well, that's how we play it. That's not at all how you play this game. He said, you are. You can't.

No, you can't do that. I'm like, well, why do you think I win all the time? It's my house. It's my rules and I've set it up with my bent.

Yeah, hey, hey. Is that a heckler from a small child?

But you know what I've just discovered in these moments where like he pushes back from the table and goes gets ice cream. He doesn't even care how the game ends because we're so all over the map with it. But I push. I've just found myself as a dad now talking less around the table and just listening to everybody, just working things out. Cause why I've got a table full of adults now.

I've got a son in law and a daughter in law. So now we got all sorts of dynamics going on, all sorts of different things going on. We were so blessed with a son in law and a daughter in law that are so laid back. I can remember Corinne and Kayden's wedding when Pam Hazel got up to say, Caden's always had a gentle and caring heart. And I've always prayed that he would marry someone and they come from a family that really cares for that heart.

And honestly, while she's giving this blessing at the wedding, I'm going, oh, this is, mmm. He is marrying into the Hunger Games. You need to know that like when we get the board games out, there's no caring for his heart.

But I say all of this to say that board games is a silly example. You've got a lot to negotiate with adult siblings, family gatherings, family meals, holidays, birthdays, how grandchildren are raised. Now you're gonna also have grandchildren being raised in different homes with different rules. And now they're coming over to be with you. And I mean, I get all the family dynamics at work.

The heart of our Father in heaven is reconciliation. Is that you and I, as followers of Jesus, we lead out in this. We bless one another and mom and dad with adult children now, we have influence. I just wanna, I say it all the time. Don't feed your regrets.

Ask Jesus to redeem your remaining days. Make the most of the time that you have. You can't put em in a get along shirt anymore, but you can set up boundaries, not be the family complaint department, coach them, not referee their relationship. And let this be true of all of our families. Romans 12, 17 and 21.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. And we're gonna see that in Joseph's life play out in the weeks ahead. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. And don't you want that to be said of you?

I'M gonna ask with heads bowed now for just a moment as we pray. I did this at the first gathering, and it was probably a third of the room. But I'm gonna invite you, if you have a sibling right now or your children are not getting along, and you just want wisdom from above on how to be a parent of influence, how to be a sibling that's a leader and initiates reconciliation in the family. And you want a better relationship with your brother, and you want a better relationship with your sister. I'm just gonna.

As we pray today, I'm just gonna invite you to stand right where you are. I'm gonna invite you to stand. I wanna pray over you. I'm gonna invite people around you to pray over you. But you just stand here outside, over at the chapel.

Moms, dads, brothers, sister.

I know the pain point that this is for a lot of families, and the hurt that's in a lot of families. Some of you right now listen to this, and you're like, ted, I've tried. I've tried. I feel like I've done everything possible and have come to the conclusion it is not possible. And so we know that pain.

We know the mom and dad that are in here right now with children who don't get along and are estranged from the family. And you're trying to find a way. But I just want to encourage you, our prayer team's gonna be down front after today, here and outside. Please come down, pray with them, seek next steps.

If you're sitting around someone right now who's standing, I'm just going to invite you to look their way as we pray and pray for that person, not even knowing that person or what their situation is. But let's. Let's be a family together this morning and pray for those seeking healing and reconciliation in their families. Father, I pray a blessing over the moms and the dads and the brothers and the sisters that are standing.

As we've talked about jealousy and hatred and favoritism and all of that in the home and what it. The strife and the conflict that it causes, I just pray for relationships to be healed, to be restored for that spouse or parent or child who is addicted, that those addictions would be broken, that salvation would come to, to the people that are represented by those who are standing. Give them wisdom to be leaders in their families and to initiate reconciliation and peace in the family. This week, for the one who's never placed faith in Jesus, that today would be the day of their salvation. They would repent of their sins confess with their mouth.

Jesus is Lord. Believe in their heart that he's been raised from the dead, that they would be saved. And we pray all this in the authority of the name of Jesus. And everyone agreed and said amen.