Families, Deception, and Drama (Part 4)

This is the Woodland Hills Family Church Podcast. Our desire is to inspire you and your family to become fully devoted followers of Christ. Now enjoy today's message with Ted Cunningham.

I met several guests today. We welcome you. We're glad you're here. You hit us at the end of a series. We're finishing up this series called Families Deception and Drama, a light series for our September fall kickoff.

But we're dealing with some heavy topics. And today is part four. We're talking about choosing healing, not revenge, and how to heal from trauma and what the family's role and responsibility is in that. And today we're in Genesis 34 and we are looking at a repulsive part of Jacob's story. It will turn your stomach.

It's hard to read. There's no sugar coating. Genesis 34. There's nothing pretty about it. Genesis 34, this story that we're gonna look at today, it includes deceit, rape, revenge, greed, murder and genocide.

It will leave you feeling outraged, or at least it should. And this story teaches us what not to do when someone you love is hurt, mistreated, molested, sexually abused, violated, raped, or suffers trauma in another way. And just to be clear, when we read the Bible, we have descriptive passages and prescriptive passages. Genesis 34 is a descriptive passage. It's telling us a story.

And the Bible does not always speak in every story to the morality of the history that it is sharing. But today we are going to learn what not to do when someone that we love is raped or sexually abused. And across campus and across all of our gatherings, there are seniors in here and you're from a generation that responded to this sort of trauma with silence. Just don't talk about it. I've spoke to victims in our church who they were raped, violated as teenagers, and they never shared it with their parents because they knew what their parents response would be.

Passivity, silence. Some of you, that's your story today, you've carried it with you for decades. And parents did nothing, grandparents did nothing. And in some cases it's keep this quiet because we didn't want the brother or the cousin, the uncle or the grandpa or the dad to go to prison. And some of you in here today have a family member that should not be free, that should be in prison, but because of passivity and silence, you've carried this on your own.

Now, in today's terms, we've moved from passivity to another extreme called scorched earth. And it's definitely not silence. It's not passivity if it's an organization, a ministry, a church, a denomination has any sort of sexual abuse going on, burn it to the ground. And anyone associated with it, not just people involved, directly involved, but anybody who's ever been associated with burn them to the ground. 2 and today we want to see a better path forward for helping those who have suffered sexual abuse.

Not silence, not passivity, and not scorched earth. Begin reading with me in Genesis 34. Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. When Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and raped her. Verse 3 His heart was drawn to Dinah, daughter of Jacob.

He loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her. And Shechem said to his father Hamor, get me this girl as my wife. And now we're gonna see the response and we're gonna see the two extremes I just mentioned. In Genesis 34 when Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock. He did nothing about it until they came home.

He went passive. The story goes on. Then Shechem's father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob. Meanwhile, Jacob's sons had come in from the fields. As soon as they heard, this is appropriate right here.

This is immediate response. Drop everything. Deal with what's in front of us.

They came in from the fields. As soon as they heard what had happened, they were shocked and furious. Appropriate emotion. So immediate action. Appropriate emotion.

When you get this type of news, you should be mad. It's an initial response. Shocked and furious because Shechem had done an outrageous thing. Third point here, call it what it is. Immediate action, appropriate emotion.

Calling the offense out. Shechem had done an outrageous thing in Israel by sleeping with Jacob's daughter. A thing that should not be done.

So a proposal is made, and I'm gonna have to summarize some of this passage because it's a long chapter, but a proposal is made. Hamor asked for Dinah to be given to his son Shechem, and he says, settle among our people, intermarry with us, trade, acquire property, become one with our people. After that proposal. Verse 13 because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob's sons replied deceitfully. So they went from an initial good response to now they are going to move towards scorched earth.

Jacob's sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. And they give a counter proposal to what Hamor had asked for. The counter proposal was simple. We can't settle among you. We can't intermarry with you because your men are not circumcised.

If this is going to work, and keep this in mind. It says that he replied deceitfully. They Jacob's sons replied deceitfully. So they say again, summarizing the text, that all the men of the city would need to be circumcised in order for this to happen. So Shechem takes this news back to the men at the city gate, which I still can't for the life of me figure out how that conversation went down.

Hey, guys, I need to tell you something. I need you all to get circumcised. And what happens? They all do. The Bible says that they all get circumcised.

Verse 25. Three days later, while all of them were still in pain. Parents, you can explain that. On the way home, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing and every male scorched earth just living in proximity to it. Take them out.

They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword. They took Dinah back home. They seized their flocks and herds, plundered all of their wealth, and carried off their women and children. It doesn't get any more scorched earth than that. So what are we to take from this story?

I want to share with you four ways that we can respond when a family member is raped, sexually abused, violated, molested, or suffers trauma. And number one is simply this. Prioritize your family member, not your family's reputation.

Victim in mind. This is happening too often today. And a lot of that passivity and silence that you experience in your family after something traumatic happened to you is because they didn't want word to get out. They didn't want people going to prison. And so the silence set in.

You weren't asked. You didn't participate in this. It was just placed on you. Carry this alone. We're not helping.

We're not going to do anything. Let's finish chapter 34, verse 30. Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, after this, you have brought trouble on me by making me obnoxious to the Canaanites and the Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed. And you're like Jacob, can we talk about Dinah?

Can we talk about the one who was raped verse 31. But the brothers replied, should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?

Dad, what would you have us do? Diane Langberg. She was chairman of the board, the American association of Christian Counselors. And I get to serve on that board. Now.

Diana since stepped off, but she's made it her mission in life and her passion to help victims and to help organizations, ministries, denominations and churches do better at handling sexual abuse. And no longer going passive, no longer being silent, no longer being quiet, but to stand up and to speak up. Diane says this every time we treat someone with dignity rather than shame, respect rather than disregard, concern rather than exploitation, kindness rather than brutality, and careful attention rather than turning away, we are doing things that are the reverse of trauma and evil. If you want the survivor to grasp the faithfulness of God, then be faithful to them. Don't go passive.

Don't go silent. Don't go scorched earth. Don't focus on your reputation or how it's going to affect you or your family. Keep the focus on the victim. Help the victim, provide care for the victim and for some.

Today, listen, this has been a very emotional morning already with just one gathering on campus. This is the second gathering. Before even the first gathering, I just shared this with a couple of people, and the first person I shared it with tells me a horrific story from her teenage years and not sharing it with parents. So for some of you today, this is gonna be the first time you feel seen and heard, like, well, what do we do moving forward? Well, the path for you, we want a path of healing for you.

We're not gonna be silent, we're not gonna be passive, but we're not going scorched earth. Number two, if someone in your family has been violated, soothe before you solve. This has been one of the best things ever taught to me by a pastor friend in California. And he says, we already know how to do this with physical pain, but we're terrible at doing this with emotional pain. We get the physical pain part.

Your child comes in while bleeding from outside. And most parents, not all, but most, would start with band aids. Cleaning the wound, tending to the wound. You don't start with what happened except Katie Gunn back there. That's how she says she starts.

But she's getting better as a parent. She's working on it, but right. We immediately. We'll figure out what happened and how to prevent it in the future. But right now, let's tend to the wound.

Last Sunday, I was preaching at Eagle Brook Church in Minnesota, and coming out of two very Emotional weeks for me, for you, for our country.

My son listens to Charlie Kirk every day. I didn't have to listen to Charlie Kirk because my son did. And I heard everything. I always got the update. And so in many ways, in our family, I remember Carson was the first one I checked on when I heard.

And he came home that night and said, just, Carson's never been the super emotional one. I carry that for our whole family.

But he was numb. But he did say. He says it feels like losing a member of the family. So I've been pretty emotional. So I ended last week's message at Eaglebrook.

It's a large church in Minnesota with campuses all over the state, and. And I ended with, one day you're gonna read in the papers that Ted Cunningham or I should make this current. One day you're gonna read online.

I'm paraphrasing a DL Moody quote, but one day you're gonna read online that Ted Cunningham is dead. Don't believe a word of it. For at that moment, I've never been more alive.

And I did that Saturday and the Sunday morning service at the end of the 11th o' clock on Sunday, I was able to get to the car, and I had to go to the hotel to pick up Carson for an event in Duluth, Minnesota. That night. I'm about a mile from the church when I'm hit head on in my car, my rental car. It totals both cars, spins me around. I braced for it, and I was.

I mean, honestly, this is horrible, but my very first thought is like, wow, are they going to have a great clip to use next week at Eagle Brook?

I'm okay with that. You all listen. I live with the tension. Paul lived. I have an eye on heaven and an eye on earth, and it's good for all of us, you know, to be here, but I cannot.

I long for it. And you, as a follower of Jesus, should be longing for it as well. Not to the point you're no earthly good, but what? I get out of the car and it's two older gentlemen in a little sports car. And, I mean, a guy yells at me about these guys.

He goes, bleep those. That guy. And I'm like, hey, come on. And I go over to the car and, you know, the dust hasn't settled from the airbags, and the driver pulls out his wallet and starts getting me his insurance card. I'm like, hey, whoa.

We don't. We don't. None of that matters right now. How this happened doesn't matter. You insurance doesn't matter.

Are you okay? Are you okay? That's all that needed to be dealt with. We all three of us walked away from this accident. No problems.

I mean, the cars are gone. I had to go back to Enterprise. You know, I buy that $30 collision damage waiver, even though my insurance will cover it. But I like to be able to drop off cars that are damaged and no questions asked. And you can get that for 30 bucks a day.

But this is the very first time I walked in and said, hey, I totaled your car. You ain't getting it back. Could I get another one? You got another one of those for me? Ten minutes later, I was driving down the road in a brand new Altima.

But the point is, this was the hardest part for me. That morning I backed up a thousand cars back to the church. Every person driving by, many of them, u turned to come back around. Ted, are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? I think this is like we automatically we can help in emergencies like this.

All I'm saying with Soothe before youe Solve is let's do this with emotional pain too. Emotional trauma. We soothe physical pain, but let's get good at soothing emotional pain that many will carry with them for a lifetime. Number three, this is important. Let them share.

Without controlling the narrative, let them share and here's what happens. Did it really happen that way? Are you sure? And what a family member might try to do is get you in on the deception and just be like, let's not paint it like that. Let's say it was this or it didn't really happen that way.

Let them share. Keep your mouth shut. Your response to another's pain or trauma could be one of the most important moments in their life. My friend Doug Field says it could be one of the most, some of the most important 15 seconds of their life. How you respond when someone shares their story with you.

Our response is so important. And if you've experienced trauma, I don't want to just talk about how family members respond to trauma, but to the one who's been raped, who's been sexually abused on our campus today or watching online. I need you to know this. Not everyone in your family will understand, but yet you keep trying. Don't keep going toward that family member.

Not everyone in your family will fight for you and try to help you. Well intentioned family members may listen to your story, but they may even add to your hurt, pain or trauma by going passive. Silent. They love you, they care for you, but they just wanna keep it silent or they go scorched earth. Neither way.

Good. So I just wanna encourage you, if you were the victim, share your story with safe people. Not everyone who wants you to share their story is gonna be a safe person. Not everyone who wants you to share your story online for the news. They're not all safe.

You need to share with someone, but you don't have to share with everyone. You've heard it said, Facebook is a terrible therapist and the Internet is a terrible place to heal.

And I know it sounds like it's helping at first, and I'm just gonna say this. Cause even outside of sexual abuse and sexual trauma, there are so many people in our church. I'm just gonna tell you, you way, way over share online. You way overshare. We talk about you, not mean, sad going.

All they're doing is making it worse for them. You're seeking validation. Let me tell you why. There are those you post on Facebook. There'll be people you love and care for who will never see it because the algorithm doesn't put it in their feed.

And you're gonna sit around mad. Why don't they care? I was just with them last week after I posted. They didn't say anything. They didn't say anything cause they didn't see anything.

So you're frustrated with them. There are those who will see it and they don't care. Can we just be honest about what happens online? Your post, sharing your deepest pain in life is sandwiched between their favorite sports player being traded and some goofy meme. They're not gonna be able to do anything.

There are those who will see it. They care. They don't know what to say. They don't know what to do. And there will be those who care and speak life over you and they want to help you heal.

I have found it's those people that contact you offline, but they don't hit the like button or they don't make a comment, but they'll reach out to you, share your story with safe people and finally choose healing, not revenge. We have victims in our church that are listening to people who feed your bitterness, your resentment, and they want you to go scorched earth. Those people are not helping you heal. They have a burn it to the ground, tear it down mentality. And you've heard it said, hurt people, hurt people.

We want you to heal.

If you never heal from what hurt you, I heard one person say, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you. You may be 0% to blame for what happened to you, but you are 100% responsible for your healing and your treatment of others. But let's just be honest. Have you ever wanted someone to hurt for hurting you or someone you love? I have.

Have you ever wanted to hurt someone not just wanting them to hurt, but you be the one that inflicts the pain for hurting you or someone you love? If you've been taken advantage of by someone, if you've been mistreated, cheated or abused, if you've been hurt in any way, you have a decision to make. You will choose the path of revenge or you will choose the path of healing. And this church wants to be a place where you can find healing.

You can choose revenge, retaliation, bitterness or resentment, or you can choose healing, moving forward with your life, getting healthy and giving your energy to what matters most. I spent the last week with friends at our conference in Nashville with the American association of Christian Counselors and one of the books I brought home, I started reading. Shaunti Feldheim, who's been at our church, and James Sells from Regent University just came out with When Hurting People Come to Church. I started reading it. I actually went straight to the trauma section of the book and just to learn how as a church we do better with trauma care.

And here's what they say. The purpose of care in the aftermath of trauma or grief is reorientation. People tend to mark and define their existence by major events, just as cultures and generations do. For example, the greatest generation might ask, where were you when you learned about the Pearl harbor attack? The boomers may ask, where were you when you heard or got news of JFK's assassination or Martin Luther King Jr. S assassination?

Most today would say, where were you? What were you doing when the planes hit the towers on 9 11? These events are what we call social traumas. In a similar way, individual trauma and grief are seared into our memory. We use them to mark time.

Life can be defined by these points on the calendar, before and after these traumatic moments. And we easily define ourselves through these events as well. So what is the purpose of care and how do we do care better? I love what they say in the very next paragraph. Healing from trauma or grief means developing the ability to carry the events of the past and to bear the weight of the loss without experiencing despair or imprisonment.

And I'm telling you, I've seen this for 30 plus years now in ministry. It's only because of one name, and that name is Jesus. That people can find full and complete healing. And if people are not directing you toward that in your life, find those who will help you in heal. Not feed your bitterness, feed your resentment.

Join the outrage online. Scorched earth approach. No. The Bible says in Romans 12:19, do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written, it is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord.

Diane Langberg says, whenever God's people fail to speak truth, expose the deeds of darkness to light and function as a refuge for the abused, afflicted and needy, the they not only have failed you, but have failed our God as well, for they look nothing like him.

And this church carries a sacred trust. We're called to help people heal in all different seasons and stages of life. And today, specifically speaking of rape and sexual abuse, we help people heal from this loss and this trauma and this grief. So here's a prayer that I've been praying and you can put it in your own words and pray on your own. But Lord, please let our church be the safest place on earth for children, victims and survivors where we need to do better, convict us.

And this is where I step in in recent years and just go the scorched earth, burn it to the ground. No. Many of you come from a generation. You were never taught how to be trauma informed or care for people. We want to do better, we want to get better.

So in other words, Lord, where we need training, send people to equip us, Send people who put scripture in the driver's seat, research in the passenger seat, experience an emotion in the seats behind them. But Lord, help us get better at this. As denominations have wrestled with this topic, there are those online in the outrage who say they're helping victims, but I think are only leading to more resentment and bitterness that no, let's get better, let's get better, let's learn, let's grow. Let's let those like Diane Langberg teach us. Help us as a church, as ministries, as organizations and denominations get better.

Lord, let people find healing in our church. Let them find healing in the name of Jesus.

The way we help people heal from trauma, wounds of the heart speaks directly to the heart and character of God. And I wanna end today by speaking directly to the Dinahs in the room.

I have no idea how the Lord's gonna use this message and how people will find healing. And I know there's tears throughout campus as you wrestle with what has happened to you. And some of you right now are in the middle of this afraid to say something for fear of a family member going to prison. It's time to speak up. It's time to speak up.

If you're the one inflicting the abuse, it's time to repent. First and foremost before a holy God.

Knock it off. Repent. Turn yourself in.

But I talked to those in the room or online walking out a similar story to Dinah.

You've been hurt, abused, neglected, violated or raped. You don't feel heard. Your family has not helped. They've only added to your pain. And it feels like healing is impossible.

And healing when you don't feel heard or cared for is hard. And that's the story of many in our church. Someone hurt you. No one heard you or helped you. But I'm here to tell you Jesus can heal you.

You can find freedom, taking personal responsibility for your life, moving forward. And this story will be a memory. Yes, in your life, what happened to you will be a memory, but you can move through it without imprisonment or despair. I'm just gonna ask you to bow your heads this morning. We're just gonna take a moment.

There's going to be a prayer team down front. There's going to be a prayer team in front of the wall, the LED wall outside.

There's Dinah's on campus today who need someone just to minister to them.

There are those who they were not the abuser, but they were the ones who silenced it. Family trying to protect the family's reputation. And today they're coming to grips with that. And they know they need to talk to the family member that they didn't believe or tried to control through it.

I'm just going to pray while you take a moment and then we'll be dismissed.

Father, use today as just a moment in the life of our church community and as we seek to be trained and equipped on how to handle this well, we don't want to go with either extreme that we've seen today. We don't want to be passive or silent, and we don't want scorched earth.

But that in the name of Jesus, people can be healed.

And all across our campus, that the Holy Spirit would be calling people by name for the one who's never placed faith in Jesus, that today would be the day of their salvation, that they would declare with their mouth, Jesus is Lord. Believe in their heart that he's been raised from the dead, that they would be saved. And we pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.